Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Dear Diary

October 7, 2015

Dear Diary,

It is only October and I am wiped out. I come home every single day and I am so worn out.  Oh, please don't tell me that I need to drink a energy shake and push it through. No, that will not do. I don't need to rejoin a fitness club and burn off my stress.

I need for the stress to subside.

But how did I get this stressed anyhow? Goodness! I mean my MEd program is over and for awhile, I don't have any papers left to write. That was teach, parent and go to school myself.

I have backed off social media and became more of a stalker. I have not participated in Twitter chats since...when? I don't even know.

What is my stress? It is hard to nail that down. Is it the insane amount of crazy and unrealistic expectations that keep coming down the line?

No, I think that is a huge problem, but not the source of my stress.

I think it is more like a fight inside of me. I am trying to do my best at so many things that are expected of teachers but feel like I don't do any of them well. I want to do things well. I want to "exceed" at all the things that I do.  How is that possible to exceed when I can't ever catch up, take a breath without drowning in what is not yet done. I think I am stressed because I am trying to keep it all together...this ruse I cover myself with is drowning me.

So, I am just going to come clean. I don't have it all together and instead of comparing myself to others, I am going to own my load and try to shift things around so that I can balance better. I am taking the advice of my pastor...when you bring one thing new into your life, do everything possible to take two things out.

So if I have not been keeping up with my own blog or yours lately, I am sorry. If I have not been in your Twitter chat, I am sorry. If I have skipped over your voxes, I am sorry. I am sorry and yet, not sorry. What I gained back and brought back into balance was my family. That matters.

Perspective matters. This is my fight song.